Hexepta - Dog Hack
by SpiritofAttorney
Summary: Argus Hakan has been accused of repeatedly shooting a dog, and nobody will defend him! How can he get out of this mess!


"Ha ha, what a stupid dog!" said Argus when the dog wasn't avoiding any of his bullets.

"Hey, you!" shouted the angry petting zoo worker, "You are under arrest for MURDERING this dog!"

"Uh-Oh!" shouted Argus, fearfully.

-DETENTION CENTRE-

"Hi." said Argus to his defense attorney friends, "You gonna defend me?"

"No, can't" said his defense attorney friends. "The case took place out of Hexepta legal academy, so we have no jurisdiction."

"What OBJECTION!" shouted Argus but then visiting time finished and his friends went out to the pub to get drunk and laugh about what happened to Argus.

"Don't worry!" said the kind elderly security guard, "If you cannot find a defense attorney, then the state will supply one for you!"

"Wew!" smiled Argus, "This'll be a cinch!"

But then the state reported back that they wouldn't fund one since they don't like people who shoot dogs.

"Oh no..." worried Argus as he slept dreamlessly, worried that he would not win the trial the next day.

-COURT-

"Court is now in session" said Argus Hakan.

"Shut up Argus I say that!" said Judge Agatha Lockheart.

"Ha, you can't give me a penalty if I'm not the defense!" sneered Argus, brazenly.

"AH true!" screamed Agatha. "Regardless, is the prosecution ready?"

"Yes, I am ready." replied a solemn, sincere and sober voice. It was Pros. Barkbark, the victim's beloved brother.

"Well, prosecutor, what do you have to present to the court?" asked Agatha.

"I... have a clear witness testimony. My wife witnessed this brutal desecration of one of the kindest, most gentle friends I have ever met." replied Barkbark.

"Very well, please testify" said Agatha.

-WHAT I WITNESSED-

"I was playing with some children at the petting zoo, and we were all happy."

"All of a sudden, I was startled by the sound of gunfire."

"I looked up, and saw the victim being... slaughtered."

"I clearly saw the defendant there, laughing whilst firing bullets."

"He had the most hideous sneer on his face that I have ever seen in my life..."

This! This was the exact moment Argus Hakan loves beyond all else! He inhaled air, and, raising his arm, yelled:

"OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOBBBJEEEEEEEEEEEECTTTTTTTTTTTTTTIONNNNNN!"

A powerful gust of wind blew from his nostrils and mouth, ripping the roof of the courtroom and throwing it into the atmosphere. All the audience were vapourised into shredded pieces of flesh with the sudden violently twisting current unleashed. The whole Earth was shocked with a powerful force, and the crust shattered, turning the beautiful planet into a hellish mess of asteroids and floating lava in space. God was knocked out of heaven and blown into Hell, and Satan was blown out of Hell and into Heaven, both of which immediately imploded.

"You cannot have witnessed the event, witness!" argued Argus.

"After all, if you had, then there is now way you could have called my facial expression hideous!"

"Urk!" gasped the witness.

"G-Gah-...!" began Prosecutor Barkbark.

"H-Hold it!" shouted Judge Agatha, "Y-you aren't a defense attorney here! You can't just cross examine stuff like this!"

"G-G-GyaaaaAAAAAH!" screamed Argus. She was right! How could he solve a case, and bring justice when he had no jurisdiction!

"Well, I shall need to reevaluate my strategy!" he shouted, and then thought.

After a bit of thinking, he arrived at a conclusion. If he can't be the defense defending himself, then he shall have to be a witness! However, nobody would believe him if he just said he didn't do it, so he'd have to shift the focus away from blaming him!

"The defendant would like tp make an argument!" shouted Argus, "I would like to formally indict the witness - on charges of MURDER!"

"W-what?! But, I-" began witness.

"Objection!" shouted Prosecutor Barkbark, "The witness has an alibi! They could not possibly have killed the victimdog, and there is complete proof of this!"

"OOOOOOBJECTION!" shouted Argus, I would not like to indict the witness on this crime. Rather, I would like to indict them of another crime!"

"I didn't do any other crime!" barked the witness.

"I would like to indict the witness... on charges of the murder of ARGUS HAKAN!"

"What?! But- You are alive!" shouted witness, angrily.

"Yes, because you haven't killed me yet. You, Wit Ness, murder me in the most foul manner - death by being eaten alive!"

"Nonsense!" shouted Wit Ness.

"But, it is true. Now, explain yourself - vile murderer!" taunted Argus.

"Urgh! SHUT UP!" shouted Wit Ness, who was now very angry. Out of anger, he ate Argus.

"Ooops" said Wit Ness but then they got arrested.

"Murdering a human is WAAAY worse than murdering a dog" shouted the bailiff as Ness was dragged into a police car but didn't move because of all the lava.

-INSIDE WIT-

"Ha! This shall buy me more time!" brazenly said Argus, ecstatic at the prospect of having more time.

"Now, time to work out how I can get away with it-" but then he heard that the dog was about to be arrested for murdering him and realised that if he's legally dead then the charges have to have been dropped.

"Boo!" he shouted as he exploded out of Wit Ness' stomach, like in Alien, and then shouted

"NNNNNNOITTTTTTTTTTTTTTCEEEEEEEEEEEEJBBBOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO" to turn the world back to normal.

"This'll teach you for being married to the dog that killed me!" shouted Argus, angrily, as he repeatedly shot Prosecutor Barkbark.


End file.
